Life, Death, & Dealing With It
Recently, I had to take some time away from blogging and the whole social media thing. I wasn’t doing well mentally and I just knew that blogging/posting would suck the life out of me. I’ve been dealing with a lot of sadness and stress lately and I’m just now getting out of my rut. I guess it’s this fear that I have to put my most perfect self out on the internet at all times, but lets face it, who is actually perfect? Writing this is going to be hard, but a process I must put myself through.
Death is such a morbid topic. Who really wants to think about loved ones passing away? I know I don’t but it’s a reality everyone has to face. It may not be easy and no one wants to experience it but everyone does at a certain point in their life.
I recently lost my sweet grandmother to Alzheimer’s Disease and colon cancer. She was 85 years old and stubborn as hell her entire life (maybe that’s where I get it from). She married my grandfather at the age of 16 and had my aunt shortly after, which was then followed by my two amazing uncles and my papa bear. They lived on a beautiful 300 acre farm in Iowa, which has some of my best memories to this day. My grandma and gramps were literally the epitome of grandparents. My grandma made the best food in the whole world and my grandpa farmed and took care of the house. No ones love compared to theirs, their grandchildren were their pride and joy. They were truly just the most amazing people on this planet. I would sit for hours and hours and just color with my grandpa and then after that, I would go and make decadent cakes and pastries with my grandmother. I blame them for my love of everything artistic/creative and also my sweet tooth.
Then one day, she’s gone and with my grandpa. Of course the symptoms were there and we knew it was a matter of time at a certain point, but that never really prepares you. The saddest times were right before her passing, I would call her and we would have the same conversation over and over because of her memory or getting called my sisters name instead of my own. Being the youngest of the family and living so far, I feel like I never truly got to bond and spend the time I needed with my grandmother or grandfather. I didn’t get to ask they certain questions like if my grandmother wishes she finished high school instead of having kids, or finding out certain things about them, like what it was like to grow up in a time when things were so different from today? One part of me is happy she isn’t scared and alone anymore, then the other selfish part wishes she was here to give me one last hug and bake some baking powder biscuits for me. It saddens me but then it also makes me understand how important family is and how I need to nurture every relationship in my life. It really is a bittersweet moment.
I will carry on her traditions of baking because it’s just in my blood and always will be, plus I just love a good cake. I only hope and dream that if I ever have a family one day, I can take them back to that farm and share what was some of my best times in my childhood. As for now, I have so many pictures and memories that will never fade. I know my grandma is also reaching out to me at times too, she always called me her lady bug and recently she has been sending a lot of lady bugs my way. I just know in my heart that they are signs from her. Even though it was a bug, I still got this reassuring feeling and that is what truly helped me feel centered about her passing.
Your ladybug will always love and miss you.